Hi, I’m Hannah, maker behind Hannah Made Modern Goods. Miscarriage and infertility is not spoken about nearly enough. It is a very sensitive subject, but I think talking about it is part of the healing process. I have just recently started sharing our story, and as vulnerable as it is, it has been very rewarding to hear people’s response and hear from other women and families going through something similar.
In July of 2014 after being married almost 4 years, my husband Kyle and I decided we were ready to start a family. The next month we were both shocked and excited when we found out I was pregnant! We told our families a few weeks later. At 7 weeks I started bleeding then miscarried on our 4th anniversary. Miscarriage is something you really don't understand unless you've been there, and we didn't have a clue how painful it would be. Our family was there and helped us in every way they could, but it was a much longer and harder process than we thought. Through it all, we knew that God had a plan, and knew what was best for us at that moment.
Two months later we found out we were expecting our second baby. We weren't sure at this point whether we should feel excited or nervous. It was definitely a little of both! Once again we wanted to wait a few weeks before telling our families about the baby. We had an ultrasound to make sure everything looked good, and saw the baby's heartbeat which was such a relief! After that we began to let ourselves get more excited, and told our families the good news on Thanksgiving! We had our first appointment with the Doctor, and everything looked great. We were right on track to have baby #2 in July 2015! We began share our excitement with our close friends, but didn't make it "public" yet.
Two days before I hit the 3 month mark (the safety zone), I knew something was wrong. Since I had miscarried just a few months before I was afraid that was happening again. I remember praying and telling God that I couldn't do this again, I couldn't handle losing another baby. After that Kyle and I prayed together for the baby to be healed if there was anything wrong, and for our minds to be at ease instead of constantly worrying about what was going on. The following day we found out that we had lost the baby. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. We just knew this time was it, everything was so different, and we were going to have this baby in July....but God had other plans. We were extremely heartbroken, and struggled with it a lot more this time. During this tough time our friends and family were awesome! They made sure we had food, kept us company, and made us laugh to keep our minds distracted. It was very long process, but God gave us so much strength and comfort.
I began having testing done to try and find out what was going on and why I kept miscarrying. Everything came back normal, except my thyroid which was low. I began taking meds for that and about a month after we got it regulated I found out I was pregnant for the third time. This baby was due early in July 2016. In June, God blessed us with our beautiful baby girl, Indie! She is our first rainbow baby and brings us so much joy! She is a beautiful sign of God’s grace and mercy. After we had Indie we thought our fertility struggles were behind us. We wanted to have children close together, so we started trying and got pregnant about 9 months later. At my 8 week appointment we found out I had miscarried and we struggled to get pregnant again for almost a year. This past May I found out I was pregnant again and miscarried a few days later. In the days before I had my 4th miscarriage I wanted to make something for what I thought was our 2nd rainbow baby. Something for the baby to have that would signify grace and hope. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I decided to make shirts and onesies.
In late August we found out I was pregnant again. There was something different about this one. The timing didn’t make sense. I don’t normally take pregnancy tests in the middle of my cycle but this time I did. I was on cycle day 9 and got a positive pregnancy test. We were a little hesitant to get excited because it was a light positive like last time, and when you have had multiple losses you tend to guard your heart in hopes of lessening the pain. I went to the fertility specialist that we had been seeing and had some bloodwork done. We heard back that afternoon that I was definitely pregnant! My numbers were a little low but we didn’t know where I was in my pregnancy. They said to come back in three days to make sure my pregnancy hormone levels were doubling. We were still hesitant to get excited because of the bloodwork results. During discipleship group that night one of my friends (that has also experienced losses) encouraged us to let ourselves get excited. She encouraged us to celebrate the life that was inside of me because whether or not it was going to be a healthy pregnancy or not, at that moment I was pregnant and we believe life starts at conception. After that we started talking about it like this was going to happen, we were going to have another baby. God had given us a miracle baby because it didn’t make sense physically that I was pregnant. I went back to the Doctor 3 days later and found out that evening that my hormone levels had only gone up one point. At that point they told me it could be an ectopic pregnancy and I needed to pay close attention to any symptoms I had over the weekend before going back for more bloodwork. We were still praying for a miracle because we believed the pregnancy was a miracle in itself! I went back for more bloodwork on Monday. That afternoon I got the call that my levels had started to drop which meant I was miscarrying again. We were heartbroken and confused. Why did God allow me to miraculously get pregnant mid cycle only for me to miscarry for a 5th time? It didn’t seem fair. Not long after the miscarriage I told a friend I think God allowed this to happen not so that we had to go through the heartbreak again, but to remind us of His power! It was only by his power that I became pregnant at that time anyway. In Genesis there are many women (Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel) that were barren and the Lord opened their wombs even in their old age or when it was physically impossible. It doesn’t matter where I am in my cycle or whether it physically makes sense because God is bigger and he can do the impossible. It’s like He was telling/reminding us that when He wants us to have another child He will provide one, whether that be biological or through adoption.
As hard and painful as it is and has been in this season of waiting I am so grateful for this reminder of how powerful our God is!
I have hope that God will bless our family with another rainbow baby one day, but if not He is still good! We want our family’s story to glorify God and want him to receive all the honor and praise for all that he does in our lives. We know that it is not our power but His that has gotten us through this difficult season.